Describing Greatness

From Sports Illustrated's Year in Sports

It's hard to say which is more entertaining: watching Barcelona's Lionel Messi, the 20-year-old Argentine wunderkind, score goals worthy of Diego Maradona, or listening to Ray Hudson describe them on GolTV. ("This man has got a walkie-talkie directly to heaven's gods!") Messi was the little genius of world soccer in 2007, displaying his breathtaking speed, vision and ball skills on a regular basis. Hudson, meanwhile, is the greatest announcer you've never heard of, a Geordie-accented mix of Dick Vitale's enthusiasm and Keith Jackson's uniquely kooky phrasings. In Hudson's world, a shaky defender is "tighter than a camel's backside in a sandstorm" or "as nervous as a Beirut grocery run." And goals? "I got a physical arousal from watching Bojan [Krkic] there." Small wonder that one Hudson-lover started a blog featuring his greatest hits (hudsonia.blogspot.com). Get this man a wider audience.

Barcelona vs Real Madrid, December 23rd

Just look at this place, man. Gives you goosebumps the size of coconuts...
Ray Hudson, pre-game

They're all tighter than guitar strings out there. Don't think that they don't feel this pressure, they'll have butterflies the size of seagulls in their stomachs...
Ray Hudson, pre-game

This is a brilliant goal. There's no denying it. And Calderón and Schuster's gotta be beaming inside. Take a look at this finish, he's been waiting in the long grass, Ronaldinho's countryman comes out. It's a beautiful-give-and go. One, two, it comes back to Baptista, and he makes a beast's finish out of this. Beautiful van Nistelrooy, picture perfect, great half-volley top corner. Look at this on the go, this is pin-point volley exchange between the two of them. One, give me it back, you've got it my son, finish it, rifle, one-nothing Real Madrid.
Ray Hudson, 35:42 1st


Beautiful give-and-go in the air falls to Baptista, whose finish is sharper than a porcupine's backside...
Ray Hudson, half-time

Wonderful play, wasn't it? You've got to speculate to accumulate, well Baptista does exactly that. Isosceles himself would have liked to have been involved in this footballing geometry...
Ray Hudson, half-time


Raul, man. He's like a Twinkie. He would survive a nuclear war.
Ray Hudson, 90:44 2nd

Sevilla vs Racing Santander, December 22nd

A goal for us all to absolutely savour again and again. This is an electrical storm goal, Phil. It's Kanouté is the thunder at the end of it but it's the electricity of Dani Alves that starts it beautifully. We'll see the last two or three passes but believe me it was happening a long time before that. It's beautifully controlled, there's Alves, stabs in, Kerzhakov turns, touches it on, brilliant back-heel. Dani tries to hit it home, leaves it for Frédéric, that's absolute magic understanding, fabulous play. Maresca starts it with that beautiful back-heel. Wolf in the hen-house, Dani Alves, knows where his bread is buttered, and here, big, big Frédéric Kanouté comes out with the butter-knife and gives him a double dose of Lurpak. Beautiful!
Ray Hudson, 25:38 1st


Pulling his hair. That's a first. Yellow card for pulling hair. Should be given a pink card.
Ray Hudson
Both of them...
Phil Schoen
There's no hair-pulling in football.
Ray Hudson, 42:06 1st

Absolutely no chance for Coltorti. Chevantón brings the big, big howitzer out. But it's also a combination of sweet grace. It's sweet as sugar, that's for damn sure. And the señoritas get their castanets out and give them a good shaking...
Ray Hudson, 66:02 2nd


It's cruel on a brave Racing Santander team, but they caught Sevilla, as I said, at the top of their tree, and this man is a giant sequoia...
Ray Hudson, 90:20 2nd

Slices, dices, Ginsu finish. Leaves them in shreds. Quicker feet than a combine harvester, he tears them apart.
Ray Hudson, 90:59 2nd

Valencia vs Barcelona, December 15th

This Valencia team were looking wobblier than Rod Stewart after a twenty-four hour bender...
Ray Hudson, half-time

He keeps on running, they don't pick him up, they cannot detect him. Infra-red x-rays couldn't detect this man the way he's playing. Eto'o!
Ray Hudson, half-time

Tip-toe through the Valencia tulips for Samuel 'Scissor-hands' Eto'o. Razor-sharp dexterity, blister finish...
Ray Hudson, post-game

Hertha Berlin vs Bayern Munich, December 15th

He better check his pulse as well, the doctor, because this game has enough tranquilisers in it to put a sperm whale to sleep...
Ray Hudson, 45:00 2nd

His attacking prowess is about as sharp as a Belgian waffle.
Ray Hudson, 69:36 2nd

DeRo and Me

From Al from DC, a soundbyte from GolTV's American Soccer, wherein Mr. Hudson expresses mild enthusiasm for a Dwayne De Rosario goal.


And, speaking of enthusiasm, Portland's leading ludic logodaedali did an interview with some guy with a website.

Barcelona vs Deportivo La Coruña, December 9th

This is a red hot chili pepper hit set up by Guardado. Leads him, one touch to steady, one touch to absolutely sizzle the hands of Valdés and rupture the net...
Ray Hudson, half-time

This is a cross between a rapier and a sledgehammer. Beautifully hammered home. Super-heated roaster by Cristian...
Ray Hudson, half-time

Real Zaragoza vs Espanyol, December 9th

Another goal baked by the footballing angels in heaven for us to watch and devour and savour. Look at the ingredients...
Ray Hudson, 10:53 1st

The approach play was absolutely algebraic football and Valdo is the x-factor and that equals a goal.
Ray Hudson, 11:24 1st

The coach will be virtually on the brink of a wonderful, wonderful 'sensation', let's just call it. You know what I mean, Phil.
Ray Hudson, 11:51 1st


Can it get any better than this in football heaven? I don't think so. The goals are absolutely astonishing quality ... This is a calculus goal, again.
Ray Hudson, 14:58 1st

Four absolutely golden nuggets, Phil, to pick from. This one is a Las Vegas golden nugget, from Tamudo. This is Archimedean perfection by the little jazzer, Tamudo...
Ray Hudson, half-time

Milito uses the old Jedi mind trick on them. Fabulous. Picks his spot, finds the target. Laser beam. Darth Vader death ray hit again...
Ray Hudson, 89:33

Athletic Bilbao vs Real Madrid, December 8th

Real Madrid are a whole different kettle of sharks.
Ray Hudson, 0:50 1st

Talk about unsung heroes, he just made me look absolutely ingenious.
Ray Hudson, 7:32 1st

That man, that diminutive little titan, Iker Casillas.
Ray Hudson, 8:06 1st

Casillas had spread himself out like a big bloody octopus. Beautiful.
Ray Hudson, 9:26 1st

That six yard box is an octopus' garden for Casillas.
Ray Hudson, half-time

Stupefying goal this by the oranje. The Dutchie absolutely lights this one. It's a beautiful steady. But look at this razzle. There's the dazzle. He's scored some lovely goals. Tell you what, this could be his magnum opus ...
Ray Hudson, 54:29 2nd


What a heart breaker! There's your goal of the season, coming and going in the beautiful blink of his bulging Brazilian eyes ...
Ray Hudson, 70:12 2nd


If they hadn't have painted those damn goalposts last night that would have been in.
Ray Hudson, 70:49 2nd

Bayern Munich vs Duisburg, December 8th

Duisburg called the Zebras, Phil. Nickname is the Zebras. Zebras. Figure that one out.
Ray Hudson
Well, their home kit, with the blue and white hoops.
Phil Schoen
Yeah but a zebra's not blue and white, Phil.
Ray Hudson
Depends how much time you spend on a night out in Duisburg.
Phil Schoen
You've been drinking too much of that blue Johnny Walker's.
Ray Hudson, 26:28 1st

Lady Luck having a love affair with Tom Starke. Here, again, she sends him a valentine ...
Ray Hudson, 44:14 2nd

This blog does not condone drinking to excess

But this one does.

Valencia vs Athletic Bilbao, December 2nd

They haven't had a lot of penetration, when they've got through it hasn't been with a lot of venom. Well, a lot of venom in that - python venom, off that hit by Yeste. Sunk his fangs in, didn't he?
Ray Hudson, 33:34 1st

This is a screamer from Yeste. A death-ray hit by Yeste of Darth Vader proportions ...
Ray Hudson, half-time

Well, poor Cañizares is like Han Solo, he's frozen in carbon ...
Ray Hudson, half-time


I thought Koeman had sent out a new team. He might have, these guys down there with those banjos or whatever they've got maybe able to do a better job than Valencia in that first half.
Ray Hudson
More mobile than Morientes already.
Phil Schoen, half-time

I don't think this Valencia team could commit suicide if their life depended on it today.
Ray Hudson, 83:06

Espanyol vs Barcelona, December 1st

He is like mercury. Not the planet, Kelly, the element. You cannot hold him, you cannot contain him. Quicksilver feet, again, by Messi. Mercurial, alright. And he is toxic for Espanyol's defence. Look at this. Get out of your 'Barca'-loungers and start applauding. That was brilliant. That is magnificent. Pure class delivered on a silver plate for Iniesta who was actually applauding as this ball comes to him. Look at this, Argentine class in a glass again. He's up for FIFA World Player of the Year. If he doesn't get it, I may start losing my faith in humanity.
Ray Hudson, 5:56 1st


This starts with Yaya Touré. Touré Yaya. Whatever you want to call him. Put it in a mirror it's the same name. But a beautiful start by Yaya and it sends the squirrel on his merry way ...
Ray Hudson, 18:11 1st

[from Neil via email]
He's developing in front of our eyes, young Bojan. How old is he?
Ray Hudson
Just seventeen.
Kelly O'Donnell
Say it again.
Ray Hudson
Seventeen years old.
Kelly O'Donnell
I don't believe you. Seventeen. I've got underwear older than that...
Ray Hudson, 20:03 1st


He mainlines football magic, Messi ...
Ray Hudson, half-time

It's all Messi, Kelly. I tell you what, if General Custer had have had him on his side at the Little Big Horn, Geronimo would have turned round and went back to his wigwam ...
Ray Hudson, half-time

It was begging. We said, it was begging. It was smelling like a big, old fish out there ... Riera sees him, parabolic vision. Beautiful, dynamite, arrow-finish ...
Ray Hudson 68:42