Saturday, September 29, 2007

Hansa Rostock vs Stuttgart, September 29th

This is Statue of Liberty defending ...
Ray Hudson, 17:55 1st

It's time for wakey-wakey. They need a response, they need an injection of something, and a little less flattering of the eyelashes and a little bit more extending of the muscles.
Ray Hudson, 45:27 2nd

Success is good, happy times, smiling faces ... Twenty minutes before they taste the beer in the locker room.
Ray Hudson, 63:53 2nd

Pagelsdorf still not smiling, but he's a ninja, he's smiling on the inside ...
Ray Hudson, post-game

Levante vs Barcelona, September 29th

He's hitting a purple patch all of a sudden. Prince's purple patch. That type of purple ...
Ray Hudson, 23:51 1st

That gentleman with the flag needs to stick it somewhere, Kelly.
Ray Hudson, 44:40 1st

I had the pleasure of meeting Carlos Puyol when we ran into Barcelona's team, Hristo Stoichkov was playing with us for DC United, and I lent Carlos my World Soccer magazine, I remember. Never got the bugger back, either.
Ray Hudson, 45:46 2nd

Prince of accuracy, here. Easy as peeling a banana ...
Ray Hudson, 48:37 2nd

Better balance than a one-legged man standing in a hammock, Lionel Messi. Like Hannibal Lecter he skins them alive ...
Ray Hudson, 50:30 2nd

Beautiful, shimmer, shake. Dancing, swiveling his hips like a Greek belly-dancer ...
Ray Hudson, post-game

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Real Madrid vs Real Betis, September 27th

This has been a lethargic performance by Real Madrid, it's been lackadaisical and it's requiring a stick of dynamite pushed up into a very sensitive place and lit by the coach at half-time.
Ray Hudson, half-time

No right foot, but the left is like a glove ...
Phil Schoen, 53:49 2nd

Finger down the throat, and he knows it.
Phil Schoen
Fist down the throat ... He's got that dreaded forwards' disease known as finishingitis ....
Ray Hudson, 56:25 2nd

Well, to paraphrase Depeche Mode, but, the soccer gods with a strange sense of humour here today.
Phil Schoen
Well, that's why they've got white beards.
Ray Hudson, 76:37 2nd

You can read this game like a nursery rhyme book, so many times. Said this was in the stars, this result ... And the marquis of marksmanship, tonight, is Baptista with beautiful, acrobatic, Matrix, upside-down, bicycle kick, fabulous by the big Brazilian, look at this and watch, treat yourselves to this. Beautiful touch, it gets popped around, it's won here and banjo! He goes disco! and he is Donna Summers tonight.
Ray Hudson, 84:49 2nd

Lady Luck showed her big, ugly, fat, cellulite-laden backside to Betis, and smiled a lovely, diamond grin at Real Madrid here tonight.
Ray Hudson, 87:03 2nd

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Barcelona vs Real Zaragoza, September 26th

Are you kidding me? Oh my lord! Eto'o is injured and he's bouncing up and down, as this entire stadium is, to take their collective hats off to the magician of Messi. He's been called Messidona in the past, he is living up to the great Diego, his countryman. Absolutely unbelievable football. You wanna see stardust come out of a player's boots? Lock your beautiful, smiling eyes on this. It's fabulous vision, it's a great pass, that just gets mis-directed, but he picks it up, and he knows instinctively where the goal is. He has the initial ball in, it doesn't find its target, he keeps on running, he keeps on ticking, and he sinks his knife in beautifully into Zaragoza. Take a look at it again and again, get out of your sofas and applaud. This is magical, mercurial football by Lionel.
Ray Hudson, 04:41 1st

Well, if the first eight minutes are anything to be judged you might want to strap the seatbelt on your Barcalounger.
Phil Schoen
Yeah. And get me an oxygen tent, please, Phil.
Ray Hudson, 08:27 1st

My sweet lord! This is better than Messi's goal, Phil. This is an orgasmic goal of simp - oh, my lord. An incredible strike.
Ray Hudson, 09:00 1st

The marquis of marksmanship, again. He doesn't need two touches. You better wrap him up in a vault and drop him to the ocean, because that's the only way you're going to contain little Lionel, the magic Messi ... he's always lively, fizzier than an Alka-Seltzer in a glass of Newcastle Brown Ale ...
Ray Hudson, 10:28 1st

A rabbit-hole attack by Barcelona ...
Ray Hudson, 13:03 1st

His heart is as big as a fat pig, that man there, and so is his courage ...
Ray Hudson, 21:10 1st

Just curious - do the fat pigs drink the Alka-Seltzer and Brown Ale? Must be a fun night out on the town in Newcastle.
Phil Schoen, 21:32 1st

Scientific football and it begins with the Einstein, Messi. The brilliant wizard ...
Ray Hudson, 21:56 1st

What a pass this is! This is Clark Kent, Superman vision from deep to find Thierry Henry ...
Ray Hudson, 23:52 1st

Defending this team, it's like trying to nail Jello to the ceiling, mission impossible ...
Ray Hudson, 39:10 1st

Iniesta trying to get around the big man, Sergio, here, to receive his own pass on the other side. Drives into Sergio, he cannot dispel the atoms in his body, so Sergio just rifles through him. I wouldn't put it past Iniesta to try that disappearing act and then reappear on the other side of Sergio, the way he's playing ...
Ray Hudson, 45:02 1st

They are having more fun than monkeys in a monkey tree ...
Ray Hudson, half-time

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Sevilla vs Espanyol, September 25th

Talk about Kerzhakov all you like, I'm going to pick the goalkeeper out of Espanyol as absolutely brilliant beyond belief, look at this save, Phil, it's brilliant reflexes by Kameni. This'll be a perfect look, he powers this one on, cat-quick. That is brilliant by the Cameroonian.
Ray Hudson, 47:01 2nd

What a ball provided out wide, this is a majestic ball into Luis García and that is absolutely pin-point finishing. Absolutely outstanding. Great ball in, beautifully played in by Riera. Oh, what a finish this is. Palop has got no chance. There is a window, tiny little window of opportunity on his right side that could be exploited, and that man there, X-ray vision to find its way in, beautiful. Penalty box assassin, Luis García.
Ray Hudson, 54:11 2nd

Sevilla were running rampant, but that werewolf Luis García jumps out and draws blood ...
Ray Hudson, 55:13 2nd

Good look at Valverde now, getting a little bit moist under the armpits ...
Ray Hudson, 63:24 2nd

Jumps up, salmon-like out of the country stream, and punches this home, that is world class, nothing less ... Phil, that is as good of a header as you will ever see as long as you live, and as long as you are eating pork pies ...
Ray Hudson, 68:31 2nd

Shakespeare absolute could not write this stuff ...
Ray Hudson, 87:53 2nd

Miraculous come-back, out of all proportion, I call it Shakespearian. Ah, that does the bard justice ...
Ray Hudson, post-game

Barcelona vs Sevilla, Redux

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Real Valladolid vs Real Madrid, September 23rd

Real Madrid under Schuster, confidence coming out of his ear holes.
Ray Hudson, 01:39 1st

This is a molten hit, from distance. A raise of the eyebrows, and a big question mark over Iker's head. When he picked it up there was one intention, but what accuracy, Kelly. This is a phenomenal strike from distance. Iker does his damnedest to springboard this wonderful hit. López, beautiful, howitzer, bullets this. It sizzles underneath the bar, there's nothing else on, he chances his arm, and he catches Iker ... out. And the German cannot believe it but he smelt it coming, I'll guarantee you that ...
Ray Hudson, 70:04 2nd

He was the coolest player in Spain when the pressure told and the spotlight was on him. Guti hesitated, he waited for that magical crack of the dam ...
Ray Hudson, 90:10 2nd

Levante vs Athletic Bilbao, September 23rd

Missed chances, my friend. One of life's great mysteries.
Ray Hudson, 12:44 1st

No sign of Lady Luck for Levante. She's still in the shadows and she don't want to come out for this team.
Ray Hudson, 24:31 1st

Certainly a handball, let's have a look ... that's not a handball ...
Ray Hudson, 68:09 2nd

Lady Luck smiling down at Riganò but she takes her dentures out and gives an ugly look ...
Ray Hudson, 69:28 2nd

You know I'm right, Phil, come on, you can say it.
Ray Hudson, 70:39 2nd

Phil? Phil?
Ray Hudson, 70:44 2nd

Aduriz gets a lot of help, you talk about luck, it's -
Ray Hudson
She put her dentures back in.
Phil Schoen, 72:49 2nd

He's really angry about something, like a polar bear on South Beach ...
Ray Hudson, 73:17 2nd

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Barcelona vs Sevilla, September 22nd

What a miss by Thierry Henry this one is, Lindsey. Feast your shocked eyes on this one.
Ray Hudson, 54:52 2nd

When it ain't going your way, Lady Luck shows her big, fat, ugly backside to you ...
Ray Hudson, 70:56 2nd

Ingenious pass by Thierry Henry, who picks himself up, and dusts himself down, and provides a jewel of a pass for the little tormentor, Lionel. And he kisses him, smells his aftershave. And that has sent this crowd into happy jubilation ...
Ray Hudson, 73:10 2nd

That little Argentine magician did enough to cushion it, and settle it. It bounced up for him, it didn't matter. He did The Matrix, he got over it and pummeled it past Palop.
Ray Hudson, 75:49 2nd

No more deserving player. Locked focus, cool as Father Christmas. Can he deliver the present? Ah, can he ever!
Ray Hudson, 79:24 2nd

And his magic star keeps rising, in the ascendancy ...
Ray Hudson, 79:43 2nd

Spain vs Latvia, September 12th

I bet you Fernando Torres will never ever taste scouse as long as he's at Liverpool. He's a smart man for doing so.
Ray Hudson, 3:17 1st

What a great ball, splitting them open like a fresh fish, by Xavi.
Ray Hudson, 11:12 1st

And Joaquin, he attacks this one, Phil, like you attack a plate of pork pies. He's around the defender, he puts it on a silver altar, Xavi stabs it home. Brilliant football by the wide man of Valencia. Perfect providing, perfect execution, rapier football, Antonio Banderas, Zorro.
Ray Hudson, 13:06 1st

Those lads, the defenders, earn their bread and butter. And when you see it done like that, really, all the hairy chested centre-halves around the country are going 'Yeah!'
Ray Hudson
You're big with the hairy-chested lads then?
Phil Schoen
I'm big with the hairy-chested lasses as well.
Ray Hudson, 18:19 1st

He's got it all in his arsenal.
Ray Hudson
No pun intended.
Phil Schoen
Well it actually was.
Ray Hudson, 66:59

It's not a work of art, far from it. A Picasso type of a goal, in its own way, it's all disjointed and ugly ...
Ray Hudson, 85:02 2nd

What about a - someone from Liverpool speaking Spanish ...
Phil Schoen
Ésta es Anfield.
Ray Hudson, 86:07

Monday, September 17, 2007

Bayern Munich vs Schalke 04, September 15th

But that man there, the big werewolf, pounces out of the cupboard ...
Ray Hudson, 44:43 1st

Like a big lurking vulture, that hasn't been fed for a week ...
Ray Hudson, 54:17 2nd

Bordon launches himself, hopefully, he sees this ball, just too late. It squirts its way through all the big dock cranes and Ollie Kahn and there, he just cannot extend himself. A fraction of a second earlier he makes contact and that one is hurting Kahn's net.
Ray Hudson, 88:14 2nd

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Real Murcia vs Atlético Madrid, September 16th

Give the defenders a break, Phil, they're not all sharpshooters ... it was a crap shot, really.
Ray Hudson, 4:42 1st

They couldn't find him with a searchlight in a group of paratroopers ...
Ray Hudson, 79:02 2nd

Peru vs Colombia, September 9th

The referee, very dramatic, pulling his yellow card out like Dracula pulls out a crucifix ...
Ray Hudson, 34:50 1st

That's pure number nine, predator box assassin ...
Ray Hudson, 94:17 2nd

Ray Hudson ist mein mann

Commentator Schorsch-Fan at

ray hudson ist mein mann. wer es noch nicht gehört hat, sollte es besser tun…
or (something like) ...
Ray Hudson is my man. Whoever has not yet heard him, should better do so ...

Italy vs France, September 8th

For me, Pirlo was the undersung hero of the Italian World Cup championship team ...
Ray Hudson, 17:48 1st

Looks like a Tyrannosaurus Rex with hemorrhoids. Angry!
Ray Hudson, 12:04 2nd

Is this going to be a game where somebody drops the ball, somebody, basically, the screw-up fairy shows up ...
Ray Hudson, 23:53 2nd

It's been flick-knives and baseball bats in that midfield ...
Ray Hudson, 40:28 2nd

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Villarreal vs Real Madrid, September 2nd

Magical strike by twinkle-toes Robinho, lovely lead-ball through, he doesn't hesitate, he gets all his angles right, it's a whisker, kisses the back post, Robinho, Brazilian beauty ...
Ray Hudson, 13:36 1st

A very personal, private statement that he said out wide.
Ray Hudson, 15:19 1st

It's the slightest touch, he stretches his toenails to get it ...
Ray Hudson, 39:21 1st

He kisses it in, like a beautiful pool player, top pocket. Majestical, deadly, merciless, like Kathy Bates with that sledgehammer and that movie, remember? Whack!
Ray Hudson, 48:08 2nd

This is a vivacious goal from los merengues, they're kissing each other, they'll be buying the drinks out tonight. Beautiful, beautiful goal, set up by Sergio Garcia - Sergio Ramos. Beautiful, he lifts his head, Ruud keeps himself onside, lovely touch, and old horse's face guides it, passes it. Sees his target, picks him out. Says 'put it away', and Oranje does magical. He doesn't panic, he settles it, cool like a killer in the box, pure assassin, goes disco.
Ray Hudson, 50:04 2nd

This is an absolute concerto goal, nothing less. This is a rhapsody in white. And I am not exaggerating. This is of a quality that Real Madrid has not seen in years ... One touch to caress it, the second touch to spank it, and punishes the net of the error. Villarreal stripped naked by Real Madrid. Fabulous football, Phil. Sneijder, the marquis of marksmanship.
Ray Hudson, 72:38 2nd

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Barcelona vs Athletic Bilboa, September 2nd

This is a pile driver but it is precision-steered by Ronny's right foot. Those big eyes bulging he looks at that top corner and he says, that postage stamp is going to get my foot on this one. And he looks, all the menace, the intent, the deadly accuracy, it whips in under the bar and inside of the post, millimetre, split-millimetre perfection by the Brazilian wizard.
Ray Hudson
The poetry of Ray Hudson and the majestic strike of Ronaldinho ...
Pablo Alsina, 08:16 1st

Caparrós, of course, comes into this intimidating lion's den to face these gladiators ...
Ray Hudson, 21:52 1st

Little bit mischievous play there by Lionel, once he realised he wasn't getting the ball, that's when the invisible gopher popped up.
Ray Hudson, 46:52 1st

Here's that earlier run by the squirrel on the telephone wire. Messi puts the brakes on, freezes everybody, here's a lovely bamboozling ball chipped in, Yaya steadies it, Yaya spanks it ... close.
Ray Hudson, 83:29 2nd

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Werder Bremen vs Eintracht Frankfurt, September 1st

He's been as dangerous as an alligator in a toilet bowl ...
Ray Hudson, 45:32 2nd

It's an absolute scalding hit by Pasanen that will send them to the beer-lines now. This can not be subdued, this one has got goal written all over it by Pasanen ... And it is an absolutely steam-roller of a smash.
Ray Hudson, 78:56 2nd